Lost Mother: Today

If you're reading this again, it might be hard to identify what I've added. I'm not doing this like a "traditional" blog. To me, it's a story in progress, and I'm filling in the gaps. The "newest" parts are at the bottom because you can't understand where I am today without knowing first how I got here.

January 29: I haven't written much because I needed to focus on "now" instead of the past, but I did write about the Re-Birth Ceremony today.

January 19: added some thoughts about the first part of recovery.
January 18: added some thoughts in the middle and at the end.

January 14, 2009

Looking backwards now, the surgery seems so far away. My daughter is 5 days old now. A week ago, we were laughing and enjoying my pregnancy. Nothing was wrong. Here I am now. Nothing feels right. Every time I look around, I think of something else that hurts, something else I’ve lost. I have to look into her face to catch my breath, or I’ll cry forever. Yesterday, I told my story to four friends. I’m emotionally drained.

I’ve discovered that I can’t tell people what happened for one basic reason: I can’t bear to hear the words, “at least you have a healthy baby.” I know that people don’t know what else to say, but I really can’t bear to hear those words again. They are like a knife, cutting open the wound again each time. Of course, I am thankful to have a healthy baby. I wouldn’t have done this for any other reason. I heard those words from every person in the hospital, for four awful days. When you say it to me, it reminds me of that place.

Fighting

After that first separation, I was successful at keeping my baby with me. But it was a fight. I can only imagine how difficult such an experience would be for a woman less determined than me. Now that it's over, I think about how it would feel for other women, and it hurts even more. It's not enough that we have to lose a piece of ourselves by having the surgery, but the entire experience is so unbelievably horrible, humiliating and degrading from start to finish. It's not just the mother who suffers, but the entire family and the baby. And the system just doesn't seem to allow for those feelings - never mind actually giving any thought to how or why it might be a good idea to change anything about it all.