The word implies that I'll somehow get over this. I suppose I will someday, but right now, I don't see it. Physical is so different from emotional, though. The more I read about other women, the more I realize our words are the same. It pains me to know that the feelings I have are universal. Well, maybe not for everyone, but at least they aren't unique. How is it that I never knew how devastating this would be? Does that mean I ignored the truth? But how could I have ever known that it would matter to "me" what it felt like to have a baby ripped out? That would have meant I had to admit it was a possibility for me, and that would be impossible.

January 18, 1:15 pm, online
It frankly sucks. But I can't even imagine tandem nursing after this. You are 4 days behind me, so I'm trying to think of where I was on Wednesday ... and, yes, I hurt a LOT more than I do now. I think that's when I started taking less medicine, though.

If it helps, this is what I was taking: in the hospital, at first they gave me something in the I.V., but after they took that out, I was taking percoset. I found out on the second day that it was supposed to be every 3 hours, but they were giving it to me on demand, and I was waiting til I was in excruciating pain to ask for it. I'm a martyr with a high tolerance of pain, so I just assumed they were taking care of me. It took a night of regular demerol shots to get the pain under control, and then I began taking percoset every 3-4 hours plus motrin in between. The pain was marginally better the next day, but I requested another demerol shot. That shot didn't even touch the pain. All this time, I was also waking up in sweats - I wonder if that was a reaction to the percoset. The next day, I switched to darvoset with motrin in between. My mom (dr.) says that darvoset is less effective than percoset, but I think it worked better, and the sweating went away. So, that's what they prescribed when I left the hospital. The first 3 days at home, I took the maximum dose and ibuprofen in between. But I kept forgetting to take it til the pain reminded me. One week pp, I reduced it to 1 tablet every 5 hours, and that seems to be working mostly. I still hurt like crazy if I go longer than 5 hours or forget the ibuprofen in between.

It's much easier to cope with the pain if you keep it in check. When you allow it to get too bad, then your body has to fight harder. I don't know what drugs they're giving you, but you need something different. Ibuprofen isn't enough. Can you take half of what they gave you til you can get in touch with your doctor? Are you taking any herbs?

What I want more than **anything** is to take my herbal bath with my baby. I think that is one of the hardest parts of this for me. It was so helpful in recovery from my last birth - and it's dreadful that I can't have it this time.

Oh - and I can't look at myself in the mirror. Not even my face. I shower in the dark. I am mortified to look down at my belly for fear that I might catch a glimpse of it. I don't know how I'll ever get past it. I'm completely disconnected from it. It's numb, it hurts, and it symbolizes something i don't want to remember.

In spite of all of that, I guess I'm recovering physically. My blood pressure is scaring me, though. It is still so high. (for me) MW has been checking on me, and she says it's nothing to worry about, but I worry about it anyway. My arm and leg are still bruised from the demerol shots a week ago, and my belly hurts in a new place every day. If I don't sleep well enough, I feel like I can't stand in the morning. If I laugh or cough, I fear that something inside of me is ripping. The numbness bothers me, but I am almost grateful for it. The hair is starting to grow back, too, I guess - that hurts, too. And, I have hemorrhoids! That is so not fair - but at least I am nor constipated - I should be grateful for that, too?

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