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January 14, 5:44 pm, email
i wanted to update y'all, and i hope you realize how important this thread was to me last week. the story took a difficult twist thursday night, and i ended up having an emergency c/s less than 4 hours after arriving at the hospital. there were no interventions or bullying to blame. it was simply an example of how life is unfair and sometimes we don't get what we want, even though it may seem like the best thing possible. we are grateful that we live in a place where we have access to modern medicine and skilled surgeons. our daughter will forever remind us of that.

i've been writing my story in bits and pieces, through tears. i had to read these messages to remind myself what i was thinking and feeing those days. we didn't do anything wrong. we followed our gut, and there was only one thing we could have done. it was an awful experience. i lost so much. but at the same time, it renewed our faith in birth. i would choose home birth again without reservation.

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January 15, 11: 05 am, email
I'm far from 'at peace' with it. A big part of me has been ripped out in a horribly violent way. But knowing beyond a doubt that it's the only possible thing that we could have done does make it more possible to see a recovery.
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